A quick google search will give you endless articles of physical tricks you can use in the bedroom but truth is one of the best ways to have better sex is through communication. Studies show that a crazily high number of woman fake orgasms, 80 percent! Plus a further study showed that 25% of those women faked it 90% of the time! If we can’t be honest about what pleases us how do we expect to have amazing sex?
Whether you are enjoying casual sex, friends with benefits, sex with a committed partner or anything in-between understanding what you like and what your partner likes is an important step to take for better sex. It may seem a little scary to be open and vulnerable with a partner but if you’re in that 80% wouldn’t you rather be in the 20 % having real orgasms than faking them?
Studies have shown that one of the most common inhibitors to a female orgasm is not feeling comfortable and safe. Its very common to hide your own desires to please your partner which only creates a space catered to your partner and not to you. By communicating what you’re into previously or even during sex it makes sure that your needs are not cast aside. This creates a safe space where you are seen. By telling your partner exactly what you like it also gives them the confidence in knowing what you enjoy. Without communicating you are relying on previous experience and guess work to please your partner which has a much lower chance of working.
If you are a little stuck or feel awkward on what to ask here are some great questions you can try to break the barriers down a little.
Which places to do you like to be touched on your body?
How do you like to be touched?
Do you like to be in control or are you okay for me to take the lead?
Do you have any fantasies you are interested in trying?
Is there anything you don’t like?
Using questions like this also opens up the space for you to reciprocate your own answers.
Lastly there are some good questions for you to ask yourself when you really want to discover more about yourself sexually. Think about how you feel after sex, do you feel satisfied? Do you feel happy? Sad? Think about why you have the emotions you have. Delving into this can help you work out your own personal emotional connection to sex. Another question to ask yourself if you are engaging in more causal sex (which is totally ok by the way, just make sure to be safe) is what are you getting from it compared to what you want. A common mistake is to confuse intimacy and sex, of course you can have intimacy during sex but if it is intimacy you are craving you may end up not feeling great about yourself afterwards if you lacked the intimacy during sex.
Communicating what you are looking for, what turns you on, what you are open to trying as well as your boundaries makes it easier for everyone involved to have a pleasurable experience. although it may be awkward or scary at first, once you’ve done it, I'm sure you’ll be happy you did!
By Lauren Rose